Back Again

Yet again, I was on a roll and had the best of intentions that just were not realistic for me. I am a BUSY BUSY person. I started to type, busy mom, but I started thinking that even if I did not have six kids in my home dependent on me, I would still be busy, because not everything I do day to day is parent related. Sometimes I have obligated myself to do things for friends, or family members, or have work things going on too. Just last weekend I offered to do senior pictures for a graduate that I didn't even know just because he didn't have enough pictures for his senior table at church. I am not a photographer mind you, just a mom that knows how to point a good camera and take A LOT so you're sure to get good ones. Just good odds.

In all honesty, as I have promised I would be here, I have been in a slump. I am definitely crashing down from my hypomanic bliss and I have been a moody, irritable, and sometimes unpleasant person. I have been very down and negative. I have not spoken to some friends or responded to messages in probably two weeks. I just have not had the social battery for it. Normally, I would force myself to respond for their benefit. The thought that has been bouncing around my head though when I feel guilty for not engaging with people lately is this: I don't owe or have to give anyone my time. I am stressed and bogged down, I do not have it in me right now to carry on a conversation. My good friends will understand this. I am sure that my friendships can survive a little space, while I am trying to just survive life. I know I am probably headed into or even possibly already part way in a dark and twisty place.

Depression does not look the same for everyone. I still work every day, I still smile and laugh, I still take care of my babies. The issue is that I have to force myself to do these things. I have to have whole conversations in my head about why I have to get up and do every little task that is required of me when I just want to sit and do nothing. This doesn't even just extend to big things like 'Do I really have to cook a whole meal for dinner?', it also is little daily things, like 'I guess I should shower.' Which I did this morning and probably gave me the energy to type this.

I am sure this sounds terrible. If you have never experienced depression, you may say or think ignorant things like just do x or just feel y or better yet just take some meds. If I could flip the switch in my brain myself, trust me, it would be up on hypomania and taped to stay that way. I knew this was coming, so did my psychiatrist, she made me mad when she said it. That's a predictable feature of my mental illness, the highs are great but you can't have a high without a low. That being said though, I am not new to this. There are things I know I can do to try and help keep myself functioning. Things that I can try to inch the switch up some, but you have to be able to find the will and energy to do those things. You have to have someone that knows the signs and ways to get you through. I am grateful to have that in my spouse.

He sees the signs, he sees the changes in me. He gently reminds me to try to do things like eat, or rest, or go outside for a bit. He reminds me that he is there for me if I want to talk to him. He softly suggests I call my mom or sister or message back a friend. He unfortunately can't help that he looks at me like an injured puppy when I tell him what I am feeling, but he tries, and he NEVER pushes to far. If I don't do it or say I don't want to he may tell me why he thinks it's a good idea or just tries again later on if he thinks I am more receptive. He just loves me through it and that model is my sage wisdom today.

Reflect on a person in your life that you know struggles, or one that is always making a point to make others feel seen. I am confident you can think of at least one in your life. Send them a text. Not a conversation starter or a 'hey'. Send a message telling them how much you appreciate them, how proud you are of them, or why you think they are a good person. You never know how much a little thing like that, thirty seconds out of your day, will shift their entire day. Make sure that person knows you are there, you are loving them through. Loving them through the mileage that may separate you, loving them through times of business, loving them through and thinking of them even when life can sometimes be so chaotic you don't have time to reach out regularly.

I was in a training yesterday, and the man said something that was gross but put things in perspective. He said, "You make five minutes to poop if you have to, you can make five minutes for self-care." And though he apologized for this comment, it stuck with me! Yes, I know that some of us parents do hold it and sometimes can't make the time, but you have to eventually and I kind of feel that way about most things. If you want to make the time, you can figure it out. You took the time to read this rambling of a crazy person, so add thirty seconds and stop reading and immediately just message that person really quick. Don't know what to say? I will put some ideas below, pick one, text it, and go about your day.