Back to Mental Health Management

I do not know how many of you like to read this type of content from me, but I feel it is important because it is a large part of me and also normalizing all things mental health is a big deal.

I have again been in a deep low place mentally. It happens, I have Bipolar 2 and this comes as no big shock. It always seems to shock those around me though. "You don't seem depressed," is something that was said to me this week. I know the signs though and just because I cope better than some does not mean it isn't there and incredibly dangerous. You can not see what someone else is thinking, and trust me, my thoughts have been plenty dark and twisty lately.

A topic for another day: My insurance will not pay for my therapy or psychiatrist appointments and I can not afford to go as often as they deem necessary. So, my options as I saw them were to see my primary care doctor and hope she would help or get myself committed for care. Commitment is not needed or an option for me. Luckily for me, I have a great doctor who scolded me for waiting on an already scheduled appointment. She said I should have come in sooner, but as I pointed out to her, we needed my thyroid lab results first anyway.

It is a VERY scary thing to go into a doctors office and be terrified to tell them your symptoms for help, but walk that fine line and reassure THEM that it's not THAT serious. To hope you get across that this is serious, but not so serious you are a danger to yourself or others and need to be hospitalized. So I say with a smile in a casual way, "Well, for several weeks now I have been having thoughts of suicide, but no intent, and just want to sleep all of the time, and I haven't really been eating, and also I hate everything and nothing makes me happy. So, that's what I have going on, how have you been?" And you hold your breath and hope they see you need help, but not so much that they do not want to handle it themselves.

Because in my experience many doctors do not want to treat people with bipolar disorder, I went in prepared. I knew what worked before, I knew what I did not want to try again, and I knew what Dr. A.I. told me would the best fit for me personally with my history. I also trust my doctor though and was willing to pivot as needed on her recommendation. She shot down my first medication inquiry. She is not allowed to prescribe the one she thinks I would do best on. She looked at numbers and side effects and dosages and compared previous meds and talked about how I ended up on the meds I was on before. She is very thorough, part of why I like her. Then we agreed on the second choice I had asked about. Fun fact though, she KNEW this medication is slow to work and has to be gradually added. She told me, I would not feel better in the next week, but I would see her in one week to up the dose again and then I should feel better shortly after. We shall see, I started it today.