Spouses, Friends, or Roommates

Disclaimer: The following blog was written a few months ago. I have not edited it since I saved it as a draft and decided to not post because it could have possibly upset my husband. I am not going to edit it now, but I am going to post it because I wrote it when I was feeling very low and disheartened in my marriage and it is how I felt in that moment. I filter and do not share a lot of the things I write to protect the feelings of others and to avoid conflict, but this one he already read this week because I wanted him to get it. He still does not. He said this makes him sound bad, but that is not how I meant it. I am sharing it for a couple of reasons though. I told y'all I would be real and honest and this sure is that. I am still baffled that he does not feel what I feel. Finally, I spoke to a friend a few days ago that is having the SAME struggles. The same feelings of disconnect with her husband who does not feel there is any problem. Both husbands know it is just a season and say they love us, but we are struggling to FEEL that connection right now in the chaos of raising our babies. In sharing this, I hope that I can help even one other spouse know that yes, it may be in your head, but that does not mean it isn't valid or uncommon.

Today, we are going to touch on parenting like normal, but also marriage in the thick of it. Why do I need to bring up marriage? Because a marriage, healthy or unhealthy, greatly impacts your parenting journey. Not even just marriage, relationships of all kinds impact your children in some way. We are just gonna talk romantic ones today though.

I will start with me, and I will try to be delicate but clear because my own husband reads my blog. We often talk about my great levels of mom guilt, but no one ever talks about spouse guilt. No one likes to talk about the break downs in communication and emotional distance that can develop in the trenches of parenthood. No one talks about the fact that though the first year of marriage is often cited as the hardest, nothing is as hard as the first year as parents. The first year of a baby's life is described as a major life crisis that challenges marital foundations. Even though babies come with great joy, they also come with sleep deprivation, financial surprises, role changes, and intimacy restrictions.

Some of us have one night stand surprises, some of us have MIA opposite parents, some of us coparent, some of us married our best friend. No matter what your relationship looked like when you created a new life, it will undeniably change when that little life becomes a reality. Even if you are having your second, third, or ninth baby things will not be the same each time. Which brings us to where my crazy brain is at just over the one year mark from having our fifth child.

My situation is a little bit different because within three years we actually grew our family by FOUR children, but that's only a little of the point. I am still breastfeeding, I work full time, and we have six children with activities and a puppy living in our home. As repeatedly previously established, my mental health is shaky at best. My self esteem...depends on if I am hypomanic or not. Right now though, I feel like I do not matter a whole lot to my husband as more than an extra set of hands and co parent to the kids. If we have a date night, odds are my sister suggested it and I planned it from the sitter to the timeline of events including everyone's outfits and dinner for the kids wherever they will be. After the kids go to bed when we used to watch something together or play cards, now I sleep until the baby wakes up next, because I am exhausted by then.

Time for the two of us just is not a priority. Sometimes I think that it shouldn't be, that all of our "free" time should go into doing things with and for the kids. Then I remember two things. One is something I was told by an in law: You have to make time for y'all because eventually all the kids will be grown and moved away and it will just be the two of you and you want to still like each other. The other is that the number one reason for divorce in this country is lack of commitment/disengagement. That is what the internet says is the reason for 73% of all divorces.

The second leading cause: excessive arguing and conflict often due to inability to communicate effectively. I know that communication problems can kill a relationship. Lack of connection and communication can easily slide you into the third biggest reason: infidelity and breach of trust.

That's not where I am, but I see how friends of mine have gotten there. I have spoken to many married mothers in my inner circle who just want time with their spouses or just to feel heard or seen. You sometimes will find a routine that works to help you run your house and survive, but then you just go through the motions to get by and the real connections and experiences can be lost.

When some of the kids were little and there were only three of them we would use a weekend day or evening to go grocery shopping together. It wasn't always an easy or pleasant trip, but it was collaborative and the kids learned how to act and got to help as well. Now, I make a menu and I schedule a pickup order, and he goes to get it, and I put it away and occasionally there is an argument about him using ingredients for one meal in another because he just didn't know my plan.

I know that communication can make all the difference, so I told him I am feeling neglected. I tell him I wished he would plan things for us. Then he's upset because he doesn't feel the disconnect, he thinks we are fine, he loves me and hates that I feel this way. Then I feel guilty for making him feel bad because this is clearly all in my head. I text my friend, she is well aware of the feeling I am describing. She says for them it comes in waves because there are few opportunities to talk between kids and house and other responsibilities, but they are finally starting to feel "coupley" again with clear communication.

It is so easy to get lost in being a parent. When people ask about me, it's the first thing I share. I am a mom. That is what is most important to me and the most relevant part of who I am, but it's not all that I am. In a relationship, you are both in your roles as parents working together to raise children, so it can be easy to only see each other in that respect. So, my words of wisdom and the things I am trying to implement too in order to get out of the marital rutt that parenting can create. I am going to be more intentional with my time. When I feel like texting a friend on my break at work, I can also check in on my spouse. I am going to aim to say at least one nice thing to my husband each day, so he knows I see him. I am going to try to remind myself that these stages we are in that test us are all just seasons and seasons change. (We will have our bed back!) Finally, I am going to try to not feel guilty for using the village we have. We have built an extensive and reliable support system and the occasional night out is not asking too much.

These changes to how I do things will not make him plan a date or arrange a sitter, it won't make him talk to me when he is frustrated, and it certainly won't be a fix all for anything we may be struggling with, but I will know that I can honestly say I am putting in the effort. I am doing all I can think of to make sure we are making room in our busy lives for each other as people. I can make sure he feels like he is valued and important.