Parental Preferences

You always hear about “Mommy’s boy” or “Daddy’s girl.” In my experience though, kids just tend to be more attached to the parent that takes care of them more consistently and crave the attention of the parent that doesn't. I was always what they call the default parent for my firstborn, and he has always been a mama's boy. George’s firstborn naturally defaulted to him too, because it had always just been them. We were their stability and comfort, so they were closest to us. With Addison, it is different and weird, but kind of great. George and I are both very involved and hands-on parents who both want to comfort and teach, but we are very different in how we do those things. We have always done things with her together, as a family, and individually. We both have an amazing relationship with her where she confides in and shares with both of us equally. Some days she wants me, some days him. When I was working more, she wanted me more. When he was working outside the home and I wasn't, she wanted more time with him. The parent away a little more was asked to do games, stories, and bedtime routines a little more often. It changes and fluctuates, but neither of us is the default parent.

Felicity, it was a little different because she knew me first. She clung to me as the only person familiar to her when she joined our family. I was her safe place. Now, she comes to us both equally, but is learning how to work the system for sure. She knows if I have said no, Dad will probably say yes, as long as he doesn't know Mama said no. She has started to try asking him first more than me because he's nicer. They all default to him a bit more for permission to get things or do things because he is more likely to let them. Every morning, with very few exceptions, I am the one who goes and gets her out of her crib when she wakes up or wakes her up for school and to get ready to go places. He probably wakes her up more from naps as needed, but I only don’t get her out of bed in the mornings if the baby is actively nursing, which isn’t typical. Weekends and school days, I am the first face she sees, however, every single day, if she wakes up on her own, she does not call for me. She does not try to get out of her bed. She does not cry. She does not play quietly in her room until someone figures out she is up. Guess what she does? She, as loud as her little voice can, yells “Dad!” Over and over. She calls for him like she knows he is the one who needs to come get her up for the day, and she has to get his attention. She calls for him after a nap, even if she knew he was not home when she laid down. Every. Single. Morning. I am home, he is taking the bigger kids to school or asleep. I am the only one who wakes up to her yells; he snores on unless I wake him. I am the one planning her outfit for the day with matching shoes and accessories. Despite me being the one every day, she still yells for him, sometimes even telling me when I go in and say good morning, “No, I want Dad.” Last week, she was up early, and he hadn't left yet, so I simply walked back out and sent him in. I let her hurt my feelings. Just a couple of days ago, she was eating her snack at the table, playing in her booster seat. I was literally ten feet away in the open connected living room where I could see her, and she fell out of it, but caught herself and was hanging sideways, stuck between the table and her seat. She looked at me and STILL yelled for George to come help her! Ridiculous. 

Meanwhile, there is Ethan, who loves his dad so much, but when tired, has recently decided that only I can hold him. Mind you, I am also the only person who can feed him because he will not take a bottle and is just starting purees. He is what the internet likes to call a velcro baby. I had never heard that term until this baby. He is an amazing baby, happy all the time except when tired, but when he wants to be held, he makes it crystal clear, and that is almost all the time. He prefers to be in one of our arms most of the time, and even when he feels like playing in his mat or activity seat, he is constantly checking to make sure we see him seeing us. We are officially to the stage where I can not leave his line of sight, even briefly, without him having a full blown meltdown.

I think the point of this post is just that the parental preferences of kids can be both sweet and frustrating, amusing and infuriating. It can make you feel proud and needed one second and irrelevant and disregarded the next. Are you the default parent? Or do you and your coparent share the joys and burdens? I am genuinely curious how other family dynamics work.