Breastfeeding Blues

I will not sugar coat things for you guys, I have been struggling this week. The specific issues really started about a month ago, but really came to a head a few days ago. As I have shared with you all, I am back to work. We found a sitter and I have been semi successfully pumping at work to send breast milk with the baby. However, at last well check, he had not lost weight, but not gained as much as the doctor would have liked to see. Wait and see, weight check two weeks later. No real change. Wait another two weeks because he's been sick. Urgent visit in and he's sick again, but gained a little, so maybe it'll be okay. Come back in a week to follow up and weight check again. He's lost six ounces in a week. Tell sitter to feed every three hours and nurse as much as possible when home. Supplement with any foods he will deign to eat, but focus on getting the breastmilk in him.

That was last Monday, last Friday my pump wouldn't work, Saturday I only got a few ounces pumped around his nursing. Sunday I pumped with results of no milk in 30 minutes worth of pumping or less than a half an ounce each time. I nursed through the night, but got up early to try and pump one last time before he had to go to the sitter and I had to go to work. Again, less than half an ounce. So what do I do except for continue to cry as I had been since last night? I search the pantry and find some formula we had tried when he wouldn't take a cup or bottle at all. It was still in date so I packed it and my three sad little half ounce bags of breastmilk for the sitter. I do not want my baby to have formula, but he is under a year old and formula or breastmilk is supposed to be the primary source of nutrition. He can't go to the sitter everyday and just not drink anything and survive on puffs and yogurt melts.

I am devastated by my perceived failure. I have already left him in the care of others to go to work. I already am missing valuable time with him. Now, I can't even provide his most basic need. Not gradually, all of a sudden, when the doctor says he needs even more from me, I am producing far far less.

If you know me, you know that I am a fix it kind of person. I will cry and stress and overthink, but I will seek a solution to the problem. There has to be something I can do. However, in my brain I joke that there is the logical part, the one that knows this will all work out somehow, and the crazy part. The crazy part tells me I am a failure as a mother and a woman. The crazy tells me that my baby is starving and I am a bad mother for leaving him to go to work which is the only reason why this is even a problem in the first place. The crazy considered bringing my infant into the office with me Monday, so that he could nurse all day like he does when I am home and just see what they would say. Logical me knows that is not a long term solution and would probably do more harm than good to everyone involved. I know logically that without this job I would not be able to meet any of his other basic needs or those of everyone else either.

I knew from experience and research that the first step is to make sure I have a suitable pump. DONE. I had to make sure all the pieces were correctly sized. DONE. Am I eating well? YEP. Better even than when I was home all day. Am I hydrating? I think so, but a water is not going to leave my hand until we rule that out. I ask coworkers that specialize in these things. Is my caffeine or salt intake too high? Probably not, but I will cut both out completely if it means I can feed him. Do I exercise? With what time?? NO, but that's not a change, so shouldn't have caused my supply to nosedive. Well that brings us to.....drumroll.....STRESS! This is the most likely of culprits I think. Ironic that I am stressing about my baby not being fed enough and I now am having trouble feeding him.

I tell my boss what's going on because I had been floating around the office picking everyone's brain about what I can do to try and fix my issue. She asks me if I need to pump more at work, she suggests I set a timer, she asks if I need to leave to be home to nurse for the day and the rest of the week be off camera for my zoom trainings to do so too. I appreciate the support so very much and I was immediately less stressed than I had been.

Here we are at the end of the week and between the hydration and stress reduction my supply is not back to normal, but much improved already! Breastfeeding can be a challenge, ESPECIALLY as a working mom, and I almost decided I should just give up, but another coworker asked me something that changed my mind. She simply asked why I chose to breastfeed in the first place. I started to tell her about how I knew it was best for him in every way and it gives me time devoted to him and its easier and cheaper, etc. I rarely have chosen to not do what was best for my children because it was easier on me, so why would I do this?

The takeaway I never know until I get to the end is this: Nursing mamas, don't quit. Remember why you chose breastfeeding. If those reasons are still true factors, make it work. I know that this is not an option for all families. I believe and the research shows breastfeeding is best for babies, BUT fed what nourishes them is what matters most. Moms that have to choose formulas, heat, and sanitize bottles have their own set of challenges. Do what you have to do to feed those babies and know that as long as they are being fed, you are doing what you are supposed to. To those struggling to feed in the way you would like, I am there with you, but we are mothers and we will do whatever our babies need.