Mom Guilt

I know that I mentioned trying to go lighter this week, but life happens, and I felt in my heart that this post mattered more than fluff.

I know that I am not a parenting expert. I do have a ton of experience, but I do not always know the right way to handle things. I know what I want for my kids and how I want to react to things. However, the mom I want to be is not always the reality when faced with things that come up. 

Tonight I messed up. I lost my temper in response to my teenager losing his. Here’s some important background info.

Electronics have been an ongoing cause of strain and frustration in our house as parents lately. Aiden (13) and Addison (6) have always been allowed pretty flexible electronic use. We require them to complete homework and chores each day before they get to do this, but besides those requirements we are not very strict about limits in their free time. That may be where we messed up, but it was never an issue with Devon (18). They did what they needed to do, then were allowed the freedom to spend their free time doing whatever, including their electronics.

What we have been struggling with is them prioritizing their electronics over the people in the house. Examples are ignoring people talking to them, refusing to play with siblings, extreme attitude when asked to do anything that requires setting the electronic down, etc. 

This has been worse with Aiden than Addison. He has been claiming his chores were complete when they weren’t, then getting angry when we ask him to fix it. He has been asked to stop playing to come eat dinner or shower, and snapped at us or continued to play until we have also gotten frustrated. When I told him the other night that he did not have time before bed to start a new Fortnite match, he proceeded to tell his teammate with an extreme amount of attitude, how unfair we were, and how stupid it was that he even had a bedtime at his age. I warned him that if this kind of reaction and behavior became a regular problem, as we were starting to see, that he could go without the game and maybe even electronics as a whole. He then chose to gather his phone and switch and plop them on the table and walk away, so I kept them.

The next day, he was back to his normal, sweet, and helpful self. He did his chores, he picked up around the house without being asked, and he apologized to me for how he acted. All he really wanted to know though, was when he could get his stuff back. I told him that even though he did some extra house stuff and that was nice and appreciated, that it was changed behavior that mattered to me. We could not continue to have conflict over these electronics. They are meant to be used recreationally, not as the only thing he ever does. He said he understood and apologized more, and I returned his things.

That brings us to this week. On Mondays, I take the girls to their ballet and gymnastics classes. I am only gone about an hour and a half. George stays home with Aiden and Ethan so he can cook dinner and Aiden can work on homework and chores. We do not ask the kids to take care of their siblings, but do ask for their help sometimes with little tasks as needed. Things like grabbing wipes or a burp cloth or talking to Ethan to keep him happy for us to go to the bathroom. On Mondays, George will sometimes ask Aiden to hold the baby if needed while he is cooking. The baby slept the whole time I was gone, almost. About fifteen minutes before I got home, he woke up and dinner was in the final stages, so George took Ethan and asked Aiden to please stop playing his switch and take the happy baby for a few minutes for him to complete dinner. Aiden continued to play his game and asked if the baby could sit in his chair and he would pick him up if he got mad. George agreed with the stipulation that if the baby got mad or started yelling that Aiden had to pick him up. The baby started to get mad after a few minutes and began to cry. Aiden ignored him. George told him several times that he needed to get the baby out of the chair. George then threatened to turn his switch off if he was going to continue to ignore the baby and not do what was asked of him. When Aiden finally threw the switch down he just flopped down and did not pick up the baby, who was still screaming. George then took the baby out of the chair, handed him to Aiden and took the switch away. Aiden had an attitude the entire rest of the night and asked to go to bed an hour early. 

Tuesday, after band practice, his foul mood continued and after dinner said he wanted to go to bed early again if he wasn’t getting his switch back. We tried to explain to him that him acting this way about the switch was a large part of the problem. It is now Wednesday, and this is when things really exploded. At dinner, he made a passing comment about knowing the ages of people he plays a mobile game with. We generally have all chat features turned off, so this caught us by surprise. It alerted us to the fact that we have always had child locks in place and never really taught about cyber safety in depth, so we asked to see his phone, and he had cleared his app history before handing it to us. Red flag number two. We told him that we weren’t taking his phone, but wanted to hold it until we spoke to him about some rules, and would do that tonight. George and I discussed what all we wanted to cover and decided to implement screen time limits as well. We thought we had come up with a fair plan and were going to include the kids in choosing how much screen time everyone thought was reasonable.

We started the conversation despite Aiden sitting angrily and barely participating. He was angry yet again at the mention of screen time limits. His dad then called him, the phone was still sitting on the table and he took the call on speaker. His dad instantly picked up on his mood as well, and when questioned, he told him he had ‘lost his phone.’ I immediately stated that was not true and we were discussing the new rules for his phone and other electronics right then. He was then brief with his call and his dad called me directly to ask what was going on. I filled him in and he told me to warn him that he needed to just get it together so he wasn't grounded when he goes to his house this weekend. I was telling him about Aiden opting to go to bed early the last two nights because he didn’t have his switch and Aiden sits up on the couch, leans forward and up a bit, like he was going to get in my face and starts yelling at me. “That is because electronics help you stay awake and I am tired because I don't have them!” I yelled back. 

This sweet boy of mine, the kindest and most soft-hearted of my children, had bowed up at me and yelled at me. I was shocked and infuriated at the same time. I did not stop to breathe, as I have worked hard to practice when my kids are especially triggering, I just yelled back. George stated that no one was calm enough to continue our discussion. He was right, but him pointing that out was enough to now trigger my guilt. Aiden was now crying. I told Aiden that George was right and until we all talk he is electronics-free. I told him I love him, but I was very upset with how disrespectful he was to me, and him talking to anyone that way was unacceptable. You know what I forgot to say? I am sorry. I work really hard to make sure I always apologize when I treat my kids in a way that is not as kind or patient as it should be. I think that’s really important, and I failed. 

He went to his room, and I helped get the littles in bed. When he emerged he did not say a word, but placed a Lego creation next to me and vanished again. It was the word ‘Sorry.’ He came back out and simply sat in front of me and showed me a Lego face he had also made. I told him both were really well done. He tells me HE was sorry, I STILL do not think to apologize myself. My child apologized before I did, and I did not realize it until he went to bed. My first priority in the morning is to make sure one of the first things I do is tell my son I am sorry for yelling at him and make sure he knows how very loved he is, regardless of how mad either of us ever get at each other.

The point of this one? I KNOW I screwed up tonight. Even knowing that and planning to try and fix it I am overwhelmed by guilt. I feel terrible. I will talk to him and we will be okay, I’m sure of it, but there is still a worry in my head that I did irreparable damage to him and our relationship. Parenting is hard, keeping yourself level-headed when emotions are running high is a huge part of that. As I have said before, none of us is perfect as a parent, and I am sure feeling that today.